**edit** This was posted on Monday night on one of my other blogs, just in case you were wondering, M. **edit**

I'm feeling slovenly of late, and with good reason. My fascist self-discipline betrayed me at some point, and for the last couple of weeks, I've been slowly and systematically undoing my own work... all of this makes me sort of depressed, melancholic, and lethargic. Couple that with a renewed flare-up of post-adolescent role diffusion, a particular persistent, dwelling pattern of delusional thought, and a brand new upper respiratory infection, and you have me pinned for the week.

Michael has gone to Canaaadia again (returning tomorrow), and I swear it's as though he decided to grab some sinew of mine and hold tight, unraveling me as his travels take him. I miss him ridiculously, and I cannot explain why. I mean, he left yesterday morning; 2.5 days he'll be gone and this time it feels too long. Perhaps it's because I'm just not feeling well... or perhaps it's that I really do need him around, for my own peace. Yeah... I've gone soft. All I ever wanted was a whole - a falling together or a coming apart - something concrete. I left it alone, and here we are. Welding without having to think about it. It has been a trip. Our lives are woven so tightly that we can breathe comfortably only in the atmosphere of the other. Never could I have imagined what true contentment feels like. I'm a Cynic vexed by love. Come home, ass :).

I've been dissecting myself again. Craving substantiation embodied outside of my few deeply-rooted interpersonal relationships. In my slovenliness and illness, my energy is gone.. I'm even too tired to meditate (and I have a difficult time not coughing every 20 seconds or so). School is school and has kept me busy, but not busy enough. In this feeble form, the housework overwhelms me, especially the idiot dogs and their simultaneous cases of intestinal disruption this week. I'm upset to learn that my father is suddenly starting some new job tomorrow after having enough being on-call, and thus the facilitator of my passion for on-scene bodybagging and otherwise corpse-poking has been officially snuffed due to the circumstances of his leaving the field. My career-reluctance anxiety has remained at a low vibration, which is a lot better than it screaming in my face. I just can't find a feasible/lucrative alternative. Ugh. I don't know.. I'm just feeling sort of useless right now.

Two amazing shows this week - 'Wicked' on Wednesday with Matthew, and Porcupine Tree last night with the other favourite boy. I'm beginning to remember my love of the stage and the people who live by it.

I admit, I was disappointed with Wicked at first - it was just too much of a departure from the magnificent, flawless novel by Mr. Maguire (one of the few writers out there who has had the capacity to bring contemporary fiction out of the bog and back to its senses). I'm not sure what I'd hoped for.. I mean, christ, it would be absolutely impossible to have encapsulated the book in any show - especially a musical, and I think that somehow I expected the impossible. But, despite Elphaba's horrendously Disney voice and relative lack of depth, I REALLY enjoyed it. The set was the best I've ever seen onstage, the costuming was amazing, the songs were great, Carol Kane was Madame Morrible, the tiktok Time Dragon and all of the gears and workings were spectacular, the monkeys and the shadows and holograms were brilliant - overall, it was an astounding production. A lot of the story was lost - but in the end, it all worked out well, and it kind of became an autonomous story unto itself. The obsessive-Nessarose dynamic was super-creepy and a really great element to have thrown in, and there were a few silly Dorothy references which were hilarious. Good show, Matty, good show.

Last night, Michael and the kids and I all went to the Porcupine Tree concert. We met up with Rachel and Mnandon there, and it was lovely to see them. I could not have asked for a better show from those guys. It was orgasmic. I loved it. The sound was great, it hit you deep in your gut, and the set list was fabulous. I had a little.... to drink and was feeling very good and much more relaxed and looser at this show than any I've been to in a long time, so it felt good to let myself move a little and really enjoy it instead of staying as tense as I usually do. They closed the show with 'Trains', my favourite song, and the night could have gone on just like that, on repeat, for the rest of forever. But it didn't.... ah well.

Good times.

Today is Lilith's Hallowe'en party at school, and she's not feeling well and had a little tummy accident before school, but she REALLY wanted to go for her party, so I sent her on anyway.. I think she'll be alright, but I'm sort of keeping my ear to the phone anyway...

Busy weekend ahead. Whatever happened to Hallowe'en? I was never allowed to celebrate it as a child... ever. I was allowed to go Trick-or-Treating for the first time when I was eleven, and I don't think I ever went again after that. But I love Halloween now, and it holds a very special family feel to me, me and my stewing and baking and scheming - and I look forward to it like crazy. But this year, Lilith has events today, tomorrow, and Sunday which require her to wear her costume - and yet on the magical night (Monday, this year), there is nothing planned. I've heard that this neighbourhood will be nearly dry of houses with porchlights on. I have never taken Lilith trick-or-treating, because my grandmother's church has this awful carnival every year, and we've always been made to go there... this year, I'm ignoring my grandmother's wishes and skipping out on that so that I can start my own memories with my child, and now I'm being told that there will be no good trick-or-treating around here. What the hell happened to this holiday??

I'm really really really sleep-deprived and my vertigo is out in full force right now... so I'm more than a little loopy and rambly... and 'I need a lie-down'.

I have picked out the way too true bits given by my numerology (according to http://www.123numerology.com/). Very interesting. My life as a 7.

(My commentary in red)

My Lifepath of 7:
You are a reserved, analytical and peace-loving soul who is blessed with intuition and intelligence. Your ability to concentrate, learn and absorb information far outshines other numbers and you often excel at all forms of scholastics. Usually your intellectual prowess as well as the clarity and foresight of mind is very evident to others at an early age.

That whole "early age thing" - totally. Maybe not so reserved - though I was as a kid.. and the 'ability to concentrate', maybe not so much, though I am relatively absorbent.

However at the same time you are also a very spiritual number. This is because you believe whole heartedly in the relationship between Mother Nature and science. This is part of your inquisitive nature and determination to get to the bottom of what makes the world tick.

Yup.

You dislike braggarts, gossips and neurotic individuals and find socializing difficult. This is because you can barely hold back your contempt of other people, who are often, indeed acting like fools. You dislike crowds, noise and confusion, so others are more likely to find you watching television at home rather than attending a big sports events.

A little too true. Probably should work on this.

Your mind works at the speed of lightening but often this makes it difficult for you to be understood by others. Others simply cannot evaluate or analyze information as fast as you. Some 7's have such quick minds that they have difficulty expressing themselves. One of your life path challenges is to learn how to slow down and accommodate those that may not be as smart as you but may offer you emotional rewards in your life.

Okay, I think this is ridiculous, but it's true that I have a horrible time verbally expressing myself. But usually that's because my brain is busy elaborating things and being pedantic, but all in an obnoxious jumble that I can't properly get out of me until I can write it down. Sometimes I say things that other people can't analyze, but that's mostly just because I'm weird, not necessarily because I process things at a different rate.

As emotions are very trying for your brilliant mind, you may find yourself feeling very unbalanced when you are in a relationship. More than any other number you are very prone to negative codependent behaviors such as obsession or acting out fears of abandonment on a partner. For this reason many close personal relationships don't often last. 

"...acting out fears of abandonment..." Heh. Yep. But I think that has more to do with my emotional training by others that my true nature.

You are happiest when you are alone to pursue your innermost thoughts and inner dreams. You may also be interested in the occult or metaphysical matters as well as science, anthropology, archaeology and religions.

Yes indeed. All those fabulously non-lucrative things I'd love to do, but can't.

My Expression of 7:
You tend to express yourself in a very blunt manner to others simply because you are not a big believer in wasting time with niceties. You tend to not express yourself well through your facial expressions or body language although you can be quite eloquent with words. You do not say much but when you do say something it is usually acutely observant or very enlightening.

I do these things because, yes, I am verbally retarded. Nothing more, nothing less.

The virtues of solitude appeal to you most as it allows you the peace and acres of time that you need to investigate your favorite subjects. Even if you have never gone to school you probably have the equivalent of a Ph.D in some kind of esoteric or scientific subject. An important part of your self-expression is the ability to be able to pass this knowledge onto a willing enthusiast or student one day.

This is me - the high-priestess of self-education. So true.

You are also likely to choose a romantic partner that shares your intellectual passions. As you are so quirky it takes a very special person indeed to understand your complex body language and need for a lot of personal space. Usually when you do find a partner that understands you, you are so grateful, that you become loyal for life.

I'm in the process of training one. Though I'm not sure if a whole (complete)  'understanding' will ever occur. And that's fine. That might make things dull. And his brilliance lies on the opposite end of the spectrum as mine, most of the time, so our yin and yang works out nicely, I think.

Although you make a great teacher, you do not necessarily make a good parent. This is because a child's curiosity often competes with your own child like need to be inquisitive and live in a fantasy world.

Hm. Ouch. I could definitely see this. But I don't think it's been a problem.

You are also prone to obsession if you let your feelings somehow become the focus of your life. The challenge of some number sevens is to distinguish the difference between how they feel about a situation and the reality of it. 

Ahem.

My Soul Urge of 3:
A lot of this is based on a need to be the center of attention, and I really don't think that is the case with me. There was a period of time in my life wherein I felt deprived of attention and so would put myself in situations in which even I wasn't completely comfortable, but that time has past, and I'm back to where I'm comfortable... Somewhere around the grey edge of the spotlight.

Perhaps your biggest asset is your rich imagination. This is your inner treasure chest from which you find the solutions to all of your problems and every body else's as well. You also have an incredible knack for story telling and mesmerizing others with your tales.

People (a lot but not all) tell me I'm good at narration. Sometimes I think this too - but never when speaking. As far as imagination, I think mine's waning with age. 

You adore the innocence of chlordane and nothing makes your heart happier than the sound of a child's laughter.

Now, I had to look up what 'chlordane' meant - and apparently it's a sort of highly volatile and toxic insecticide (with no alternate meaning). So... umm... uh.. Anybody?
But the whole "child's laughter" thing works. Especially my own child. I can have the worst of days and hearing Lilith laugh will always make me smile.

You really don't handle rejection well and if you can't get the approval you crave you have a natural tendency to retreat into your own little world. Isolation is very unhealthy for you, as your imagination tends to distort situations and create paranoia and suspicion where it need not exist.

Oh god. 'My own little world'. Indeed. The root of all my self-loathing evils.

However, no critic could ever be as hard on you as you are with yourself. As you are a perfectionist and a master of timing and delivery, you take it very hard if for some reason you miss an opportunity. This is because you set standards and expectations of yourself that are very high. It is hard for you to realize that your low are most other people's highs and that the best remedy for feelings of failure is to count your blessings.

And when I don't meet those expectations, I give up easily and again retreat into self-isolation. Exactly.

So, some of this was right on, some of it was way off (that stuff was mostly omitted from here)- but it's interesting nonetheless.